it's been awhile since i last blogged. haha it seems like every post is say this. but it's true. comtemplating if i should shut down the blog, but i just can't bear to. haha i don't know why. years of my heart felt thoughts into this shit.
the bus rides to work always seems to be short. cause my mind will be filled with so many questions, thoughts and every other thing you can think of. recently, two people have been going through my mind countlessly without them knowing it. or they've prolly been sneezing too much & not realised it's my fault. ha.
big girls don't cry by fergie has been going on in my head for days. i don't know why but i can't seem to get it out & i keep repeating it on my ipod when it plays. the lyrics. everything. it gets through to me somehow. i've been keeping everything locked up inside of me for too long. so i broke down, in a fucking bus. cheryl, you're so stupid.
you prolly won't guess who you are. or rather you both won't even come across to my blog. ha. but i guess bestie's right, i've moved on & i'm proud to say that i just don't love you no more. you once said "it's the memories which is left behind after every relationship." now i can say, it's true. i'm throwing away all my thoughts of you & i'm leaving it behind. i'm not going to look back anymore cause i can't turn back time anyway, & you've moved on. so i should too. it's not worth crying for. at least i know i once had you, had your heart. the other day i thought to myself & realised that actually, you really did give in to me alot at times when i didn't realise. now that i know, i'm thankful. though sometimes i might just think about you & the beautiful times we once shared, by the beach, in the cinemas or even doing nothing at all, i don't mind i guess. i'm determined never to walk this path again.
the dream. it was unrealisic and i know it will never be true. maybe if it were a month ago and you said that to me, i'd believe it's true. but now, it's a highly impossible for you to say those words to me. or maybe you & i are both stubborn. or maybe you hate me for behaving that way. that tone of voice which hurts so deep sometimes. i know i was wrong. but what can i do? nothing. cause i can't make you forget all those & relive what we used to be, how we used to be. all i can say now is sorry, but you won't know it. what has happened can't be reversed & i guess that's the end. though i really wish i could turn back time, i'd go back to the time where we both first met. it was sweet. real sweet. but what's left of us is nothing but i don't know? a friendship i guess. but is that what we both really want? i guess now you finally get why i got so upset when i told you in the beginning that two stubborn people meeting was not good. cause i knew we had it, but you're just too stubborn too. you don't take the initiative. & that day i told myself that if you dropped me a message, just a message, no matter what content it had, means you still care. i waited with very high hopes cause i thought i still mattered to you, but in the end, i found myself crumbling inside. so, i guess god is sending me a sign. it was a sign. is it true?
& what do i live for everyday? what have i accomplished in my 17 years of living? nothing. daddy told me that day that when you do something, you have to do it right and do it once. so when you look back you'll be proud of your achievements. but sadly, i have nothing to be proud of. my life is nothing but black & white. i'm here for a reason, but i don't know the reason yet. was telling amerie that i wish i could coop myself under my blanket & sleep forever. it'll be the most perfect thing on earth. nothing running through my mind, no worries, no stress & i don't have to face the whole world anymore. cause there's nothing to be proud of, absolutely nothing. i wake up everyday hoping to change my life into a better one, a happier one. to find someone who will really care.
fairytales don't always come true, do they? they don't. they never do come true. fairytales are not even true to begin with.
so this is my life, my masquerade.
enough said. i think anyone who reads my blog will feel sad. haha.